well. let's see. there's been some big changes since my last blog
entry. i've moved to a new city -- if that's what you wanna call it.
it's more like small southern town, in the middle of nowhere USA. hey,
but i'm here for the phd program not the urban scene, right? got a new
boyfriend about 5 months ago. though, as always, not quite sure how that's gonna
work out. we met each other's kids and *surprise* we're still hanging
in there. really, it's more like him hanging in there with me. i
guess. my relationship with my kids is way more problematic than his
situation considering how nasty my custody case with the ex has been.
the boyfriend is an attorney, so while his situation with his ex isn't
perfect, he's got a lot better handle on things with being able to keep
matters out of the courts. we don't see each other as much as i'd like,
because he's a joint custody parent too and lately we've been on
opposite vistitation schedules as far as the kiddies go.
for
the past week, since i've moved i've been trying to make this dumpy
little apartment feel like a home and trying to figure out how i'm
going to live on this miserable little grad student stipend --
teaching fellowship, actually. very meager. i'm going to plant some
sunflowers out back to take advantage of the east facing position of my
back patio and help distract the view from my neighbors' less than
attractive patio decor. yes, i am proof that you can be bourgie on a
budget.
i don't know if bourgeois
is exactly the right term. all i know is that i've always been very
sensitive to the space/place i'm in and i try to make things a little
better than the way i found them. i don't mind making compromises due
to the constraints of my pocketbook and understand what it is to be a
have-not and know what struggling from paycheck to paycheck feels
like. but imagination is free and i have a hard time understanding why
people just resign themselves to being surrounded by junk and ugliness
when planting a flower is so easy and cheap. after all, a can of paint
is every bit as accessible as a can of beer if you really think about
it. i'm not going to complain too much, considering the super cheap
rent and close proximity to campus, i don't want to have to move again
and suffer another financial setback anytime soon. my goal is to
hunker down for the next four years in this one place, make a serious
come-up with little distractions, and earn a phd in a globally
competitive field (so a sista can have herself some options up in this
piece).
maybe people just give up and cease to believe they
deserve beauty and joy and play on a daily basis. poverty can crush
one's sense of self. i'm sad to see so many neighbors who obviously
lack access to basic dental care. yeah. i'm in the dirty south, baby
and i'm starting to see why grills are so popular down here. i'm
grateful to have medical insurance and some dental coverage at least.
i'm
sure once classes start it'll be a whirlwind and i'll be more than occupied with all the ideas and concepts i'll be exposed to regularly.
although i'm sorry to say, at this moment, all i can think about is how
broke i am. i can't ask boyfriend for more money; i've been treating
him like an ATM machine lately and i don't wanna come off anymore needy
than i already have. he's not my husband or even my fiancé for that
matter, so there are definitely limits to what i can ask of him. my
big issue is spending. it's time for me to live with less and stop
blowing my money on crap i don't need. next month i'm getting my
corolla out of the bodyshop and i'm parking this big dumb forerunner. the price
of gas is killing me. i vow to not buy any new clothes or shoes this
year -- it's not like i live in some major fashion capital.
on
that note: i've grown out my relaxer and am au naturale once again. i
will admit though, i miss all that bouncin and behavin cuteness, but i
simply cannot afford the upkeep so it's braided for now. i'm gonna
keep it natural for a while, at least through the winter when my hair
tends to get all dry and damaged anyway. i'll figure out something
next spring when my sunflowers come up. it's good to have something to
look forward to as a way to track development and forward progress.
even in a sleepy southern village, you gotta keep it movin.
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